We know from a host of scientific studies that the quality of our relationships affects our health and happiness in a very real way. We know that chronic loneliness or being in a toxic marriage can put us at risk for premature death. With this in mind, it makes sense that we should prioritize growing our loving connections in the same way we seek to improve our nutrition, exercise, or sleep.
In this month’s article I’m going to present you with three suggestions on how to do so from the authors of The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, a recent book by the directors of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. These researchers present the findings of their astounding research of almost one hundred years. They followed participants from adolescence to death, studying every aspect of their lives, and found that having secure relationships with people they could count on helped participants to live longer and to be happier.
Here are three tips they provide:
1. The Power of Generosity - They urge us to be of service to the people in our lives, citing both neural and practical links between generosity and happiness. But in terms of the relationship dynamic in particular, they explain how this tool can help us gain a sense of autonomy. One of the most daunting aspects of relationships can be a sense of powerlessness, not being able to control how other people engage with us. However, by bringing a spirit of generosity to our connections, we lean into the aspect of the relationship we can control — our own behavior.
This suggestion resonates with me because it reflects what I know but constantly forget— that I am happier when I think more of others and less of myself. Secondly, it frames relationship growth in the empowering way that I love, shifting our focus from what we can’t control (another person’s behavior) to what we can control (our own actions.)
2. Learning New Dance Steps - The authors encourage us to find new ways to connect with the people in our lives, noting that since we are constantly growing and changing as human beings, it only makes sense that our relationships also grow and change.
For me, this tip serves as a reminder to do for my adult connections what I intuitively do as a mother of small children. I don’t relate to my nine-year-old the same way I did when he was three. His love of surfing has long replaced his obsession with garbage trucks and the questions I ask him and the way we spend our time together reflect this shift. In my relationship of twenty years, my husband and I have (I hope) evolved as well. Trying new hobbies together (like my new favorite stand up paddle) has proven a really fun way to experience each other with fresh eyes.
3. Radical Curiosity —The authors encourage us to get radically curious about the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of others. They discuss how asking people about their lives brings us joy (again by taking the focus off of ourselves) but it also grows the strength of our connections by helping us to understand them more deeply.
I love this suggestion because it reminds me to take time to ask the questions. This is something I naturally enjoy — getting to know what makes people tick. However, in my busy life, I can tend to skip asking the real questions and then miss out on the real connections.
What I love the most about this book and the authors’ message is that, no matter our age, our genetics, or our personal histories, we can find ways to improve our relationships. This theme is consistent with my message — that by knowing who we want to be and keeping that up front, we can make small changes in the way we think and act to start becoming that person. The call to action this month is to choose a relationship in your life and then find one way you can help that person, a new way you can connect with them, or one question you can ask to understand them a little bit better. As Esther Perel says, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” Let’s start here my friends!
Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2023). The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness (First Simon&Schuster hardcover edition). Simon & Schuster.