When I work with people to grow their loving connections, I often quip that the formula comes down to appreciation and attention. We will dive into the appreciation piece next month but today I want to convince you of the importance of attention - the creation of space and time for our relationships to thrive. This, like all my recommendations, is a conscious choice and requires that we are living intentionally.
Whether it’s with our children, our partner, or our friends, we find that love is already present in our relationships. The challenge is that our perpetual busyness and culture of distraction often prevent us from holding space for the connection to happen. How often do we sit to have a conversation only to be interrupted by a text message? Have you ever picked up your phone to put on some music only to be sidetracked by a push notification? Or how about the ability to take phone calls in the car altogether? The car was once a sort of sacred space, where both spontaneous and planned discussions could happen without interruption. Now even these talks are cut short unintentionally.
But before I go on too long about the dangers of technology and the scientific evidence that it limits our connections, let’s focus on the solution. Many of us aren’t getting rid of our smartphones any time soon and our calendar invitations don’t seem to be slowing down either. So how do we empower ourselves to give our relationships the proper attention? I came across one interesting theory in the book Indistractable by Nir Eyal. Rather than blaming our constant state of distraction on modern technology, Eyal believes that the root of our problem lies within us. His solution is getting in touch with how we really want to spend our time and ensuring that it aligns with our own value systems. He proposes that the opposite of “distraction” is not actually “focus” as many believe; it is what he calls “traction” - any action that pulls you towards what you want to do.
So what does traction look like on an average day? It requires that we decide how we want to spend our time and then we set up our lives accordingly. Want to connect with with your spouse? Mark your weekly dates on your calendar as you would any commitment. Want to facilitate conversation as you drive your child to practice? Put your phone on “Do not disturb.” Do you find yourself running from one social event to another all weekend? It’s okay to decline an invitation in order to make time for your most valuable connections. These are just a few ideas that I have used to get you started but you will find that when you get in touch with your “traction,” you will be making similar decisions on your own. Your connections will get the attention that they need to grow, a tremendous benefit of living intentionally.